Fear of Death

The worst thing in the world is to suddenly become aware of your own mortality.

This thought came to me today as I was driving home from the barn. I'd engaged in a discussion about my catastrophic head injury from '04 with J and C. A fall from a horse nearly killed me, and that realization sent me into a grave depression, a place darker than dark, that I thought would never end.

From the fall I emerged a fearful person. I'd changed dramatically from the risktaking ne'er do well I was in my youth. Suddenly the world seemed far too large, and I this tiny, suffocating speck just waiting to be squashed. And I've spent the last 3 years trying to regain my confidence...not only in myself, but in the world around me.

I find it interesting that my view has taken a negative spin. I survived. I was NOT killed, but now I'm more afraid of life than ever before. I've become ever more conservative with my activities. I still ride horses, but prefer the walls of an arena to the unknowns of the trail. And I hate that fact. I wish I could become the Dawn of years gone by. I wish I could ease those fears and move forward. I wish I could become myself again.